A Needle in a Haystack Without Needles

Took a page out of Jaclyn Friedman’s book this weekend (I’ll spare you the messy details but in short; it was fantastic) and decided to celebrate by rereading My Sluthood, Myself and the debacle that followed.  I’m a bit late to the game, so I’m going to hold my comments from the blogosphere at large, but I just felt like releasing this small anecdote into the world.

Y’see, as I was reading most of the relevant posts in the sluthood controversy, one question posed (snarkily, and with bad faith) by Ms. Walsh really struck me;

“Is it possible to know during anonymous sex if  your partner is having a good time? How?”

It struck me because it rang of a certain feeling I’ve come across in the internet, this feeling that somehow asking about/for consent is unsexy or “breaks the mood”.  And it struck me because it made me flash back to my own casual encounters experience, especially when compared to other sexual experiences.

My partner, a man I had never met before, asked me on at least three separate occasions (I say at least because, lets be honest, I wasn’t in a frame of mind to be counting anything) how I was feeling.  Just like that “How are you feeling?”  or “Do you feel good?”.  It didn’t “break the mood”, it didn’t feel awkward, and it didn’t feel unsexy.  It made me happy, I felt valued and respected and safer and more comfortable.  I was delighted, and also a little bit shocked.  The only time I’ve had someone “check in” like that during a hookup was with a fellow sex-positive feminist (although at that point I hadn’t identified with either) and this guy didn’t seem cut from nearly the same cloth.  Not that I know, that is, since I don’t really know him very well.  Unless you’re talking about the biblical sense 😉

I don’t know what the point of this was.  I guess I just wanted to share, because it made me happy in that “Finding Good In Unexpected Places”  kind of way.


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