Trolls, PUAs, and Hookups, oh my!

Seems I’ve gone and found myself a troll.  I’d have let it through for the lulz, but I didn’t find anything particularly funny about vicious personal attacks from some lowlife who followed me here from manboobz.

On a related note, s. e. smith from Tiger Beatdown wrote this post about trolls, blogging, safety, and being silenced. I agree that we need to talk more about violent, vicious people who make us feel unsafe. I don’t think ignoring it really does anything at the end of the day. You need to shine the light on ugly shit and burn it away, lest it sit and the dark and fester. That’s just my opinion, anyway. Three people who read this blog, go read if you haven’t already; it’s chilling and scary to read what the bloggers we love so much go through, but it’s also inspiring to think how many stand up in the face of that and say I will NOT be silenced!

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I’ve recently become the target of a Pickup Artist, or at least someone who uses Pickup Artist type tactics.   We’ll call him H, and he’s a very handsome, very talented older member of swing dance club.  He spent about two meetings being completely charming to me, complementing me on how my dancing is coming along, and being generally flirtatious.  It was kind of over the top, and just barely skirting the edges of propriety, but I didn’t mind.  The attraction is pretty mutual and I was looking forward to sharing in that flirtiness and attention, whether or not anything ultimately led to sex.  Also, he really is a fantastic dancer, and he always gives me feedback, so I wanted to learn from him and dance with him and such.  He even went so far as to send me a chock full o’ subtext facebook message a week ago, which I found a little strange but, whatever.
And then last meeting, after all of that he almost completely ignores me in favor of another girl.  It wasn’t until nearly the end of the night that he asked me  to dance (because he just loves dancing with me so much), and then he tells me at the end how lovely it was.

And I was like, fuck this Neil Strauss bullshit.

It makes me sad, because he really is very attractive, and now I will never, ever have sex with him.  Just on principle, I refuse to have sex with people who view manipulating me as a game and sex with me as a prize.  Had he approached me directly and said “Hey, you’re cute and a nice dancer.  We should hook up sometime!”  I probably would have been like “Sure, sounds great!”  But no, it’s this shit where he lavishes attention on me and then tries to get my attention by ignoring me, and tries to turn girls against each other.

I get the feeling that he likes stirring things up like this, and that his main goal isn’t so much the sex but the power he feels from successful manipulation, and honestly?  He’s much too old for that shit.  Not to mention I’m not interested in being a tool in anyone’s power trip.

So the question is, what am I going to do about this?  Well, I’m obviously not going to sleep with him (unhappy sigh).  I’m also not going to get visibly mad or irritated with him, because that feeds into the power trip.  I’ve decided that I’m just going to be blandly pleasant.  I’ll dance with him when he asks, and ask him no more than I ask anyone else.  I’ll be flirty, but no more than usual, and let the more overt passes fly right over my head.  I won’t engage when he escalates, and I’ll make friends with the girls he tries to turn me against.

I can play games too, and this is my game now.

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Moving on to people I actually sleep with, I reconnected with a former hookup.  It was one of those things that could have been a very bad idea, or a completely awesome idea, and I’ve decided it’s the latter.

The criteria I have for relationships and dating are rather different then the criteria I have for casual sex.  For casual sex, you can be kind of a douchebag, but what kind of douchbag matters.  I wrote about this guy before, and I was kind of upset after our last encounter, but now I’ve had a little more experience with this casual sex thing, and I’m better at maintaining emotional distance.

So when I saw him at Favored Club a couple weeks ago, he approached me to start talking, and catch up, and dance with.  I was incredibly amused, and also kind of flattered?  Like, he thinks I’m kind of crazy, but I’m either pretty enough or a good enough lay that that’s worth dealing with?  It sounds kind up fucked up when I put it like that, but then again I think he’s kind of a douche, but he’s both pretty enough and good enough in bed to be worth it.  Anyway, the next day he texted me to make plans, and on Sunday he followed through.  Who was I to say no?  And really, he is such a fantastic lay.

Sunday was the first good, satisfying sex I’ve had in a long while.  It was full of these sweet little affectionate touches and kisses, and it was a little rough (although maybe not as much as I would like).  And oh, the faces he makes!  Sometimes he’d pause to keep from coming, and he’d lean his forehead against the wall and close his eyes and it would just cut straight through me.  One of the hottest things to look at ever.

It was surprising how different the power dynamic was, too.  We were on more equal footing, since I wasn’t constantly worried about impressing him or making him like me or any of that.  Things were less awkward, our conversation flowed easier, and everything was just more pleasant.  Fingers crossed for more of that in the future!

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Trolls, PUAs, and Hookups, oh my!

  1. Broseidon

    Heya, another troll here who found his way from Manboobz. 🙂
    I just wanted to say I read your pickup entry and hoooly crap, it hit home. The thing is, I’ve been wondering why I can’t hold on to a girl recently. The beginning stages are always great, but then she just seems to suddenly lose interest.

    I think I’ve actually been doing what that older guy you talk about did, but not consciously. I don’t think to myself “I will employ game technique now” or anything like that, it just sort of comes naturally. I think “I’d better cool it for a while and talk to other girls so I don’t seem desperate/over-eager/fixated on this one”. Apparently, this is not always a good idea. Thanks for giving me something to think about at least. Nice blog, will keep reading. 🙂

  2. Welcome from Manboobz xD

    What you describe seems essentially different from what this guy was doing. What turned me off so hard about him was that it seemed to me that manipulating was part of the goal, and that he was essentially using me for his entertainment, one way or another.

    I understand the need to not look desperate (desperation is really, really unsexy), but it’s still important to let a girl you’re interested in know you are still interested. If she’s anything like me (which she may very well be) she doesn’t want to seem desperate any more than you do, and will sooner disengage if she thinks you’ve lost interest then risk being “that girl”. (You know “that girl”. The one who wont take a hint and txts you all the time who you make fun of to your buddies? She doesn’t want to be her.)

    I’m glad you like my blog, such as it is! Good to hear I made you think 🙂

  3. kilo

    Hi, I’m here via NSWATM. I really enjoy reading your blog and hope to comment occasionally if that’s ok. Sorry for commenting on such an old post, but I have a question regarding the PUA section of this.

    Thing is, I really like swing dancing (which one are you doing, btw?). I don’t think that I’m particularly good, but apparently enough followers seem to enjoy dancing with me, and that makes me happy. I especially like dancing with new followers. It gives me a chance to work on leading clearly, and they often enjoy being able to dance with someone with more experience, leading to even more dancing in the future. 🙂 Now, I’m far too much of a coward and “l-o-s-e-r” to aggressively flirt in any way, so maybe I’m just overthinking things. However, your post made me wonder whether I might sometimes appear manipulative when I don’t get to dance much with some of my favorite usual followers. So my question is, what gave you the impression that he was using manipulative jealousy game on you, and how can one avoid giving that impression while social dancing a lot?

    Thanks again for an interesting post.

  4. Hi Kilo! Welcome from NSWATM. I’m glad you like my little blog.

    Also, YAY a fellow swing dancer! -high five- My club does Lindy Hop, Blues, and West Coast Swing. I’m a particular fan of blues, I really like lindy, and west coast I like in small doses xD

    Regarding your worries about seeming manipulative: First, keep in mind that this guy I’m talking about is a Player with a capital P. He flirts outrageously and constantly makes sexy eyes during dances. It’s not really fun play-flirting either; you can tell he’s making an effort, pouring on the charm, trying to be seductive, and putting up a front. Basically he’s just not a genuine person.

    Another thing is the whole Hot/Cold game. He’ll alternatively lavish attention on me (or other girls) to the point of ridiculousness, and then suddenly, so quickly you might get whiplash, he’s completely ignoring you. No eye contact, no talking between dances, nothing. It’s not just him dancing with other girls, it’s the extremes involved in the amount of attention he gives, which I’m to understand is a classic PUA tactic.

    It’s expected in swing culture that you try to dance with as many different people as possible, and it happens quite a lot (especially with new or big crowds) that one might not get a chance to dance with a friend very much or at all. People know this, and are understanding! So pretty much, I say do your best but don’t really worry about it. Be genuine, have fun, and the rest will fall into place from there.

    Also, don’t call yourself a loser! Self depreciation is how The Man keeps you down! (more on that later 😉 )

  5. kilo

    *high five*

    I’m mostly dancing Lindy, which I really love. The swingout is just such an amazing move, and you can play a lot with the music. WCS is fine, but a bit too smooth and cool for me. I like bouncy and silly fun too much, and the music is very hit and miss. Blues is really nice, a great dance with lots of connection and a very personal feel plus music that I’ve started to really enjoy. I recently found a really great Blues video that I can’t get enough of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArFLi067Vkc Very sensual and intimate feeling, and they’re trading the lead all the time which makes it kind of super-egalitarian, and amazing to watch. I should learn to follow…

    Thanks for your detailed answer. “Don’t worry and dance with everyone you can” is basically how I’ve been handling this. Just from reading your initial description it sounded like something I might have done as well and that got me wondering; now with the additional explanation I understand much better what you mean, and it’s most certainly not what I do. ^^;

    And me using “l-o-s-e-r” was a mix of being reclamatory and self-acceptance. (more on this later as well ;), if I can crystallize my thoughts)

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