Seems I’ve gone and found myself a troll. I’d have let it through for the lulz, but I didn’t find anything particularly funny about vicious personal attacks from some lowlife who followed me here from manboobz.
On a related note, s. e. smith from Tiger Beatdown wrote this post about trolls, blogging, safety, and being silenced. I agree that we need to talk more about violent, vicious people who make us feel unsafe. I don’t think ignoring it really does anything at the end of the day. You need to shine the light on ugly shit and burn it away, lest it sit and the dark and fester. That’s just my opinion, anyway. Three people who read this blog, go read if you haven’t already; it’s chilling and scary to read what the bloggers we love so much go through, but it’s also inspiring to think how many stand up in the face of that and say I will NOT be silenced!
I’ve recently become the target of a Pickup Artist, or at least someone who uses Pickup Artist type tactics. We’ll call him H, and he’s a very handsome, very talented older member of swing dance club. He spent about two meetings being completely charming to me, complementing me on how my dancing is coming along, and being generally flirtatious. It was kind of over the top, and just barely skirting the edges of propriety, but I didn’t mind. The attraction is pretty mutual and I was looking forward to sharing in that flirtiness and attention, whether or not anything ultimately led to sex. Also, he really is a fantastic dancer, and he always gives me feedback, so I wanted to learn from him and dance with him and such. He even went so far as to send me a chock full o’ subtext facebook message a week ago, which I found a little strange but, whatever.
And then last meeting, after all of that he almost completely ignores me in favor of another girl. It wasn’t until nearly the end of the night that he asked me to dance (because he just loves dancing with me so much), and then he tells me at the end how lovely it was.
And I was like, fuck this Neil Strauss bullshit.
It makes me sad, because he really is very attractive, and now I will never, ever have sex with him. Just on principle, I refuse to have sex with people who view manipulating me as a game and sex with me as a prize. Had he approached me directly and said “Hey, you’re cute and a nice dancer. We should hook up sometime!” I probably would have been like “Sure, sounds great!” But no, it’s this shit where he lavishes attention on me and then tries to get my attention by ignoring me, and tries to turn girls against each other.
I get the feeling that he likes stirring things up like this, and that his main goal isn’t so much the sex but the power he feels from successful manipulation, and honestly? He’s much too old for that shit. Not to mention I’m not interested in being a tool in anyone’s power trip.
So the question is, what am I going to do about this? Well, I’m obviously not going to sleep with him (unhappy sigh). I’m also not going to get visibly mad or irritated with him, because that feeds into the power trip. I’ve decided that I’m just going to be blandly pleasant. I’ll dance with him when he asks, and ask him no more than I ask anyone else. I’ll be flirty, but no more than usual, and let the more overt passes fly right over my head. I won’t engage when he escalates, and I’ll make friends with the girls he tries to turn me against.
I can play games too, and this is my game now.
Moving on to people I actually sleep with, I reconnected with a former hookup. It was one of those things that could have been a very bad idea, or a completely awesome idea, and I’ve decided it’s the latter.
The criteria I have for relationships and dating are rather different then the criteria I have for casual sex. For casual sex, you can be kind of a douchebag, but what kind of douchbag matters. I wrote about this guy before, and I was kind of upset after our last encounter, but now I’ve had a little more experience with this casual sex thing, and I’m better at maintaining emotional distance.
So when I saw him at Favored Club a couple weeks ago, he approached me to start talking, and catch up, and dance with. I was incredibly amused, and also kind of flattered? Like, he thinks I’m kind of crazy, but I’m either pretty enough or a good enough lay that that’s worth dealing with? It sounds kind up fucked up when I put it like that, but then again I think he’s kind of a douche, but he’s both pretty enough and good enough in bed to be worth it. Anyway, the next day he texted me to make plans, and on Sunday he followed through. Who was I to say no? And really, he is such a fantastic lay.
Sunday was the first good, satisfying sex I’ve had in a long while. It was full of these sweet little affectionate touches and kisses, and it was a little rough (although maybe not as much as I would like). And oh, the faces he makes! Sometimes he’d pause to keep from coming, and he’d lean his forehead against the wall and close his eyes and it would just cut straight through me. One of the hottest things to look at ever.
It was surprising how different the power dynamic was, too. We were on more equal footing, since I wasn’t constantly worried about impressing him or making him like me or any of that. Things were less awkward, our conversation flowed easier, and everything was just more pleasant. Fingers crossed for more of that in the future!