All religions pretty much point to the same thing: There is a force in the universe called love. And if you open yourself to it, it will take care of you
That’s paraphrased, but Seth said that to me last night. Maybe I’m a sap, but I found that so achingly beautiful and comforting. If I open myself up and go with the flow and just… relax and do what I need to do, everything will be okay.
I don’t know if I have Depression with a capital D, but I know I’ve been depressed. I don’t even want to count how many days this semester that I just didn’t have the motivation to do ANYTHING, and by the time I even went outside it was dark. It’s not as though I was never happy; I often was. I just can’t — couldn’t? — find any motivation, and then I hate — hated? — myself for being lazy and irresponsible.
So things built up. I didn’t take care of things like I should have when I should have, and then I felt like it was too late and people would think I was a lazy waste of space for waiting so long to do what I was supposed to do. So now I’m in a big rut. A big one. And it’s not fun, and it’s going to be hard to get out of it. It’s all so big and intimidating that I spent all day yesterday curled up and trying to hide from the whole world.
Then Seth came over and we watched Christopher Titus’s comedy special Love is Evol (highly problematic and equally hilarious, with some QFT sprinkled on top. Don’t look it up if raging abelism and gratuitous sexist stereotyping are big deal breakers for you) and then we just talked like we usually do. At some point he asked if anything was bothering me, and I said I didn’t want to talk about it. And I didn’t! It was so big and way over my head and I was drowning and it was really all my fault for being stupid and lazy and irresponsible. But it came out anyway, and I just had this huge emotional breakdown and let out all of the Big Adult Problems that have been choking me for a long, long time.
Have you ever done that with someone and they just aren’t helpful at all? They try, but it’s clear they don’t know what to say and they’re spitting out platitudes to fill the air? And then have you ever done that with someone and they just get it? Because Seth, he just gets it. He held me while I cried and told me that I will be okay, and he knows that because I’ve always been okay, and he knows that because I’m right here, now, so obviously I made it okay.
When I calmed down, he gave me some practical advice: Make a list of everything I need to do and then just do one thing every day. Just one, and then cross it off. Suddenly Big Scary Adult Problems are in manageable bite-sized pieces, and I I get visual reassurance that I am getting things done.
This morning, the first thing I did when I woke up was write that list, with the heading “Shora’s Sanity List”. I’ve already crossed something off, and I can’t even describe to you how good it felt to do that. I really can’t.
I also have another list called “Letting the Universe Take Care of Me.” We had that conversation a little later on, during some healing cuddles when the subject of religion came up. On that list is some things to do every day that make me feel good. Running, dancing, writing; things that make me feel active and energized and creative. There’s not set amount of things on the list that I HAVE to do, but I should do at least one. And every time I do, I’ll put a little colored star next to that thing.
I hope this sticks. Usually when I start feeling motivated an energetic, it only lasts a few weeks before I’m right down in the same old pattern. But I figure, if this just lasts during winter break, and if I just get out of this rut I’ve found myself in, then that is a big success.
I think I’m gonna be okay.